Drake... my vampire wife

Dearest Ladies and Gay Men -

Please take heed of the warning notice*** I would advise you to skip this post if you are at all turned off or morally insulted by reading vivid descriptors of my wife’s magical and somewhat destructive anatomical bits.

Miraculously, we have achieved two monthly inseminations in a row. This is a first! and even if we don't wind up with a baby out of it, I still consider it a wild and glorious accomplishment in the grand scheme of things. In fact, that's not the only celebratory accomplishment this month. You see, Drake had some family photos taken of her ovaries this week and if the baby jesus wazn't mistaken, those mother fuckers actually FOUND her left ovary! They found both ovaries, even!!! So, today I am drinking to progress. Fuck everything else. Anyway, I digress. We had some photos taken, and then she got a surge line on her piss stick and all was going quite swimmingly so we went in this AM for THE BIG INSEM and by golly if the saying is true that "the best things are the hardest to come by" well then not only will we get a child out of this, but our child will be nothing short of a prodigal genius with stunning good looks and super hero defenses. It will speak 14 languages and will have achieved a Nobel prize by the time it hits puberty. Gosh. Okay... so I may or may not have mentioned in prior posts about my wife's "double curved" cervix. What does that mean, you ask? Well, I don't honestly really know except that it makes it damn near impossible to get that catheter in there to inject the junk and what should be a 2 minute procedure winds up being a 30 minute workout complete with blood sweat and tears by both the patient, the doctor and the maybe overly sympathetic supporting wife. The positive of this? That shit NEVER FALLS OUT! EVER!!!!!!!!!!! As testimony to the challenges her curvy cervix creates, the
3rd catheter finally did the trick and when the good doc extracted it, her vajayjay had actually managed to curve that wire about 180 degrees... no shit! It was amazing. I immediately and loudly boasted, "HOLY SHIT STICKS, MY WIFE HAS A VAMPIRE TWAT!!! AMAZING!!" Good thing all the docs and US Techs know me and love me so much otherwise they might find me a tad offensive or at the very least peculiar. Hey... if you can't laugh in these situations, you'll cry you're eyes out so why not, right?

So... with Monty's essence safely and securely trapped inside of her twisty vampire twat, we now settle in for the wait. Tic... Toc... Tic... Toc...

it just keeps getting stranger

Well... Drake received an unwelcomed visit from Aunt Flo earlier this week. Actually a full FOUR days earlier than anticipated which means one of two things. a) she's got a really damn short and inconsistent luteal phase or b) we somehow totally screwed up the timing on this. And Mr. Monty McSteamy had a whopping record breaking 22 MILLION sperm count this time so that's a whole lot of swimmers wasted on poor timing. Ugh. Not sure what to think. I definitely am going to encourage getting back to the basics; the Fertility Lessons 101. We need to start temping on a regular basis and determine some sort of pattern to when exactly she ovulates and what other signs are consistent with her ovulation because clearly the OPK's are not painting a very accurate picture. Anyway... another month, hopefully another try.