Today we go in for an insem appt. I am excited. I'm not sure which of the many Hades Clinic minions will be administering to us today but if it's Dr. Evil, I swear to god I will run screaming to the door, dragging my half naked wife with me.
On a separate note, however, I wanted to comment on a very interesting (some would say tragic but I say opportunistic) event that took place in the Baseball world last Thursday. You see this 3rd baseman for the Seattle Mariners, Adrian Beltre, actually RIPPED his testicles open. No shit. This is not an Erin Rae exaggeration or outright lie of any sort, I swear. The mother fucking commando TORE HIS NUT SACK wide open and then kept on playing for another 5 innings. Now... my first thoughts upon hearing this news was... "huh? but isn't that where all the sperm is stored?" If I would have known that these kind of opportunities could arise from a stinkin' baseball game, well then hot damn, I would have bought me some season passes! I guess this sheds new light on Dr. Evil's suggestion that we at one point got our hands or nether regions in the way of some "stray sperm".
Anyway... I wasn't at the game. I am not a fan of baseball. But my lack of interest in baseball probably saved me from a rather embarrassing and news worthy arrest because I can totally imagine myself scrambling through the crowd, stage-dive style through the bleachers all the way down from the nose-bleed seats and tumbling onto the field shouting in a frenzied panic... "TURKEY BASTER!! SOMEBODY PASS ME A TURKEY BASTER!!!!!!"
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
a new kind of victory
Today Drake got a mostly blue line on the OPK which translates directly to a mostly green light on the insemination train. I'll take it. Even if we don't get knocked up this try, at least we GOT TO TRY! a totally new kind of victory. one I didn't exactly expect but I'll take it. any positive forward moving news is ecstatic news to me!!!
Monday, August 17, 2009
CRACKING DOWN ON OVARIAN THEFT!
Drake’s left ovary is missing. This is the 2nd time now that we’ve gone in for an ultrasound to measure the size of her eggs and we couldn’t find the left ovary. I’m convinced that it is hiding out somewhere with Saddam Hussain but I’ve also taken action to create some milk carton ads with a picture of Angelina Jolie’s (figured there was an accurate resemblance there and she was all to willing to Fed Ex me one) left ovary on it just in case it turns up somewhere around the neighborhood or on one of those America’s Most Wanted crime shows. OVARIAN THEFT. CRACKING DOWN ACROSS AMERICA! Should be one of Obama’s new initiatives.
Anyway… we went in BRIGHT AND EARLY (our favorite hour of any Saturday) for an ultrasound and the tech banged her wand around in there for a long while every which way, past the ass gas, past the uterus past some undigested pizza and and and… she just couldn’t find it. She finally got a little frustrated and I would imagine embarrassed and told drake to please move around the room (walk, run, etc.) for a little bit to see if it would lodge the damn thing back into place for proper viewing. The minute the US Tech left the room, drake launched into a wild series of calisthenics complete with jumping jacks, high kicks, lunges, and holy shit was I SWEATIN! And it was only 7:30 in the morning and all I was doing was sitting there watching her. So the lady comes back in and bangs her wand around for a 2nd try and unfortunately to no avail. $250 bucks – ka ching... for nothin’! The difference between her and Dr. Evil, however, is that when Dr. Evil couldn’t find her allusive left ovary – she simply told Drake that she had already ovulated and that her ovary was collapsed. We, of course, taking her professional word for it, stopped monitoring for the rest of that month only to find out much too late that she had, in fact, ovulated and that Dr. Evil is a bitch. But that’s nothing new. I was at least grateful for this gal admitting that she just can’t find the damn thing. This way we will continue on the traditional route of OPK’s and such and can hopefully, potentially still inseminate this month. We shall see.
Anyway… we went in BRIGHT AND EARLY (our favorite hour of any Saturday) for an ultrasound and the tech banged her wand around in there for a long while every which way, past the ass gas, past the uterus past some undigested pizza and and and… she just couldn’t find it. She finally got a little frustrated and I would imagine embarrassed and told drake to please move around the room (walk, run, etc.) for a little bit to see if it would lodge the damn thing back into place for proper viewing. The minute the US Tech left the room, drake launched into a wild series of calisthenics complete with jumping jacks, high kicks, lunges, and holy shit was I SWEATIN! And it was only 7:30 in the morning and all I was doing was sitting there watching her. So the lady comes back in and bangs her wand around for a 2nd try and unfortunately to no avail. $250 bucks – ka ching... for nothin’! The difference between her and Dr. Evil, however, is that when Dr. Evil couldn’t find her allusive left ovary – she simply told Drake that she had already ovulated and that her ovary was collapsed. We, of course, taking her professional word for it, stopped monitoring for the rest of that month only to find out much too late that she had, in fact, ovulated and that Dr. Evil is a bitch. But that’s nothing new. I was at least grateful for this gal admitting that she just can’t find the damn thing. This way we will continue on the traditional route of OPK’s and such and can hopefully, potentially still inseminate this month. We shall see.
Friday, August 14, 2009
been so long i practically forgot my password
Dear Internet Peoples -
I am sorry. It's been a long time, I know. I have some reasons/excuses but none of them are really good so I'm not going to bother with them here.
The scoop? YOU HAVEN'T MISSED A DAMN THING! The last time we actually had any encounter with Monty McSteamy's umm... impregnating fluid? was back in early April. Yes, it is now August. We've been on "Operation Plan B - pass the Baton" since Jan of this year and we've inseminated oooooh... let me get out my fingers to count... oh wait, yes... that's it... JUST ONCE! bummer, huh? To recap - there was the Femura. Then the bleeding. The cramping. The shocking multitude of menstrual cycles packed into a few short months. and lastly the Ovarian Cysts that all collectively were a side affect of the Femura. We've kicked the Femura to the curb now, needless to say but surprisingly AGAINST their recommendation. Really? You think?
A month ago Drake came home from work and informed me that she had just peed on a stick and it was time but the clinic had already closed for the evening and so we needed to leave a voicemail for them that we wanted to come in for a squirt the next morning and to please call when they opened. and like good little fertility medical facilitators, they did call. they called at my most lively hour of 7:00AM on a Saturday morning and proceeded to argue with drake on the phone about why they wouldn't let us come in and get inseminated that day. First - Drake had had a minor and unrelated surgery about a week prior to this event. She claimed that she was perfectly fine and capable of lying on a metal plank with her feet in stirrups but they feared that there may still be traces of anaesthesia in her system. A week later? For reals??? Secondly - and this is our fault - we sort of blew off the appointment we were supposed to make to ensure that the cysts had gone away. It was a busy time. We had family in town, yada yada yada... big mistake there. And that brings us up to the present date. Drake's playing at fertile myrtl again and we're going in tomorrow at 8am to get an ultrasound and measure the eggs. We're already at day 16 or so so I'm really really really really just sorta kinda hoping that something is mature, that there is not another anovulatory cycle to contend with, and that we can get our little LH shot and inseminate on Sunday as if the world were suddenly back in balance and things went right for us. Wouldn't that be something! Gosh - I find myself humming Mary Poppins tunes just thinking about it! So... perhaps I'll have something to rant about here again in the coming days. If there are more issues, I may actually just jump off the internet cliff and shut up for a while again because nobody wants to read the word FUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKK over and over and over again but well... you see... I may have temporarily lost my positive attitude but I remain hopeful. just a smidge.
I am sorry. It's been a long time, I know. I have some reasons/excuses but none of them are really good so I'm not going to bother with them here.
The scoop? YOU HAVEN'T MISSED A DAMN THING! The last time we actually had any encounter with Monty McSteamy's umm... impregnating fluid? was back in early April. Yes, it is now August. We've been on "Operation Plan B - pass the Baton" since Jan of this year and we've inseminated oooooh... let me get out my fingers to count... oh wait, yes... that's it... JUST ONCE! bummer, huh? To recap - there was the Femura. Then the bleeding. The cramping. The shocking multitude of menstrual cycles packed into a few short months. and lastly the Ovarian Cysts that all collectively were a side affect of the Femura. We've kicked the Femura to the curb now, needless to say but surprisingly AGAINST their recommendation. Really? You think?
A month ago Drake came home from work and informed me that she had just peed on a stick and it was time but the clinic had already closed for the evening and so we needed to leave a voicemail for them that we wanted to come in for a squirt the next morning and to please call when they opened. and like good little fertility medical facilitators, they did call. they called at my most lively hour of 7:00AM on a Saturday morning and proceeded to argue with drake on the phone about why they wouldn't let us come in and get inseminated that day. First - Drake had had a minor and unrelated surgery about a week prior to this event. She claimed that she was perfectly fine and capable of lying on a metal plank with her feet in stirrups but they feared that there may still be traces of anaesthesia in her system. A week later? For reals??? Secondly - and this is our fault - we sort of blew off the appointment we were supposed to make to ensure that the cysts had gone away. It was a busy time. We had family in town, yada yada yada... big mistake there. And that brings us up to the present date. Drake's playing at fertile myrtl again and we're going in tomorrow at 8am to get an ultrasound and measure the eggs. We're already at day 16 or so so I'm really really really really just sorta kinda hoping that something is mature, that there is not another anovulatory cycle to contend with, and that we can get our little LH shot and inseminate on Sunday as if the world were suddenly back in balance and things went right for us. Wouldn't that be something! Gosh - I find myself humming Mary Poppins tunes just thinking about it! So... perhaps I'll have something to rant about here again in the coming days. If there are more issues, I may actually just jump off the internet cliff and shut up for a while again because nobody wants to read the word FUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKK over and over and over again but well... you see... I may have temporarily lost my positive attitude but I remain hopeful. just a smidge.
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