Blame it on the Meds - a post by Drakey

So, Dr. Wild Bill's office doesn't appear to be at all concerned about the unusual light period/obese spotting. In fact, they think it is related to the Femara that they prescribed for this last cycle. Interesting, no one told us about any potential side effects. A quick Google search only revealed one complaint about Femara and atypical bleeding but was chock full of side effects:

"The most common side effects associated with Femara are nausea, vomiting, fatigue, headache, muscle aches, diarrhea, constipation, chest pain, night sweats, and weight gain." There were also a fair number of posts about an increased urge to pee.

That explains the extreme nausea and stomach pain and why I have been such a frequent pee-er lately. It also clears up why, in Mexico, my bathing suit trunks didn't fit as well as they usually do.

Wild Bill has ordered a round of Provera which should kick start the period and then an ultrasound to check for cysts since that too may be an issue with Femara. Despite these less than savory side effects, Femara seems to be a fan favorite with the TTC crowd, and there are quite a few very positive testimonials. A little nausea, increased trips to the potty and a little chub seems bearable if there is a kid on the other end of the tunnel. Sounds like pregnancy training wheels if you ask me.

updates

Sorry to keep people waiting on this. We were stuck in Mexico earlier this week and are finally coming around to real-world things again. Drake is not pregnant. I, personally, am dumbfounded but have more feelings of concern about what the hell is going on than feelings of sadness I guess. We have a call into the clinic to speak with Dr. Wild Bill and see if we can gain some insight into what has occurred over the past two very strange cycles. Will update you once that occurs. In the meantime, please be thinking good thoughts that our 48 hours spent attempting to get the hell OUT of Cancun did not infect us with the swine flu. Because THAT would just be the perfect ending to all of this. :O

because i'm never wrong and because i said so...

We will be heading out to Cancun tomorrow and will be taking the HPT while we're out of the country. I will be bringing our ridiculously tiny laptop with us ("the mini", as we call it) so I may log on and blog but chances are I'll be inebriated and celebrating. Suffice it to say, however, that I have EVERY REASON IN THE WORLD to believe that my wife is pregnant right now. While Drake is "cautiously optimistic", I am balls-to-the-walls, knock-down-drag-out slap-my-knee and fry-mah-hyde dead convinced that she is knocked up. AND... my beliefs are not unfounded. You see, Sunday night, my perfectly nocturnal wife announced to me that she had a very bad stomach ache / nausea feeling and that she was going to bed. AT EIGHT O'CLOCK!! This has never happened. She can be sprawled out on the floor with the Black Plague and bleeding out of her eyeballs and she will STILL stay up until 2am watching TV and doing cross-word puzzles. This is no lie. Very shortly after she went to bed, she discovered that she was bleeding/spotting... a full week before her period was supposed to start and conveniently on DPO 8. She thinks that she may have started her period after 26 days, which also has NEVER EVER IN HER ENTIRE LIFE HAPPENED and that it's just a very strange, light period, but well... she's just wrong; frankly, and I know better. If it looks like implantation bleeding and walks and talks like implantation bleeding, then by god, it's implantation bleeding, WOMAN!!! Furthermore, we were almost somewhat diligently temping this month so I also know for a fact that there is no chance at all she could have ovulated earlier than she had so if this truly is an early and much unexpected visit from Aunt Flo, then she suddenly has a 7 day luteal phase and well... that's just not the case. I have been in a not-so-cautious state of euphoria ever since and despite of the fact that my wife lay sickly and pained in bed next to me Sunday night. If it is her period, well then things are REALLY fucked up and we'll have a lot to test for and figure out but I'm sincerely not worried. Not one damn bit. We WILL report back with a confirmation once we return from Mexico, but until then?... well, hope that baby likes Margaritas? Oh wait... that would be bad! and we shall name it... "Chimichanga".

and the lord sayeth... (toot)

Technically... my beautiful wife, Drakey, could be pregnant right now. Well... at least in the process of BECOMING pregnant. We did it al-naturale this time by simply peeing on some sticks and forgoing the ultrasounds and shots and what-not. And her "fern day" conveniently occurred AFTER we returned from our D.C. trip (thank the baby jesus) and even more conveniently, fell on a Saturday, which is always preferable.

It went remarkably smoothly. We had a moment of near cardiac arrest when the usher to our baby-making room announced that a nurse practitioner would be joining our tawdry twosome shortly, but it turned out that Dr. Evil is not the only NP at the clinic. The new NP, who we shall call "She Who is Not the Epitome of Evil Because that Spot is Already Taken," got Drakey all harnessed up. After inserting the spreaders she asked Drake whether she had ever given birth or otherwise had a procedure done on her cervix. Apparently her cervix was open to an abnormally great extent. Well, anyone who knows Drake is well aware that she has not made it a practice of squirting living beings out of her nether regions. And isn't it just plain rude to talk about one's possible liposuction, collagen shots and cervical "procedures"? Drakey did spend an awful lot of time living in L.A. Well, perhaps this just means that the child will squirt out like a hot knife through butter.

"She Who is Not the Epitome of Evil Because that Spot is Already Taken" had a spot of trouble trying to get the catheter into Drakey's uterus because in addition to having a gaping black hole in her cervix, she also has a "double curve". She kept pushing on Drakey's lower abdomen in her efforts to get the tube properly inserted thus eliciting a number of breathy grunts. "She Who is Not the Epitome of Evil Because that Spot is Already Taken" was concerned that she was puncturing Drakey's insides, but it turns out that Drakey only needed to pee; badly. As did I. Then it was all over and we proceeded to wait out the obligatory 15 minutes with hips raised. Par for the course for us, we spent that time engaged in deeply philosophical discourse.

Drake: You're doing the pee dance and it's making me crazy. I can't look at you (turning head sharply away from me).

Erin Rae: Fine. I'll stop doing the pee dance. See. Totally still. Now look at me in the face and do it like you love it.

Drake: (turning head back around cautiously) NOW YOUR FACE IS DOING THE PEE DANCE!

Erin Rae: How on earth can my FACE do the pee dance??

Drake: It IS, I swear. Your cheeks are all twitching and quivering and stuff. Your FACE is doing the PEE DANCE! (erupt in belly laughs).

I then ended all belly laughing conversations as I typically do - with a loud, pronunced fart.

Drake: Do you know that when our child asks us about his/her moment of conception we can talk about the magic of Mama's face doing a pee dance. Then finish with "And then the Lord sayeth that Mama farted. That is the endeth, that's all I'm sayingeth."

April Fools Day

I'm beginning to gain an appreciation for this ridiculous holiday. and as proof, I wreaked a little havoc in my coworker's cube this morning... for a little April Fools Day shits and giggles. and yes, they are ALL filled with water. It went over well. Here's a photo op of the scene. I ended up adding about an additional 50 cups to the floor after the picture was taken, making a grand total of about 200 dixie cups. Also notice that her chair is taped to the floor. Good times. now BRING ME MORE VICTIMS!! Mwwwuuuuha ha ha ha.