magic wands and ass gas

This morning was Drake's first appointment at the Hades Clinic. We had scheduled a Day 13 ultrasound because we've decided to stack the odds straight out of the gates and just go for the ultrasounds and subsequent LH shots (which apparently I'm not supposed to call them LH shots cuz that's not what they are called but whatever... who the hell cares) and even though we figured she wouldn't be ready on Day 13, we thought it couldn't hurt to have an ultrasound and make sure that all of her girly bits were all there and situated in the right places and such. I'm sure you all can imagine my shock and horror when the wand slipped in and the dark screen in front of us revealed none other than a very large penis!!! No... no no. I'm just kidding. She has 100% girly parts... now pictographically documented. Jesus Tits... wouldn't that be awful! Anyway... I digress. Drake was a little nervous. Her first words to me this morning were that she didn't sleep well and in fact had strange anxiety dreams all night. She dreamt that my mother peed on her. That's right; my very lovely mother lifted her leg, aimed and squirted pee at her and then laughed her ass off about it afterwards. Love it! Anyway... so we get to the Hades Clinic bright and early for our 7:15am ultrasound and are told that the Ultrasound Tech is stuck in traffic and hasn't made it in yet. Of course. Naturally. Why would I expect anything less? So we waited. and we waited. and I tried really hard not to get all angst up and fire breathing and such which I think I mostly succeeded at but it wasn't easy let me tell ya! As it turns out, the Ultrasound Tech was the same lady who talked my goddamn ear off at 7am many many moons ago when I learned all about her family from the East Coast and her Thanks Giving Day traditions and her skeletons in the closet and how warm she takes her bath water and and and... She's still a talker. It wasn't a fluke. Unfortunately. She talked us through all the little bits and pieces and they all looked lovely I suppose but she had a hard time locating the ovaries because of the presence of "ass gas" (not quite what she termed it but this is me were dealing with) floating around in her pelvis. It appears that Drakey is not an early morning defecater. She explained that it was pretty normal and we just needed to wait for it to move on by. If Drake weren't so nervous and I wasn't already irritated I'm sure I would have barrelled over laughing at the concept of the ass gas in her ultrasound video but I made a silent note to myself to just shut it... and so that's what I did. I never had ass gas myself identified in my ultrasounds, but I'm a world class pooper so that part at least went well for me. Finally the ass gas floated on out of the way and as we expected, Drake's eggs were not quite ready yet. Not at all ready, actually. But she had 5 in there so clearly she's got some good and positive fertility capabilities, hopefully not to result in Quintuplets because if that's the case, my dear friend Kelly might actually get her tribe of children after all. and we'll never breath a word about why her 4 children bear a shocking resemblance our 1 child. Just one of those weird natural occurrences I guess. Anyway... we're going back on Monday to take more pictures of the eggs and hopefully do the shot then. Drake has a birthday coming up this Sunday so perhaps a small child conceived would make for a very nice late birthday season present. And even better... I won't have to actually go shopping to get it!

Wish us luck!