i done peed my pants

I peed my pants today at work.



Yup. Give that a little white space to let it sink in. Not in the traditional sense of how one might pee their pants, mind you. There was no instance of violent or urgent laughter that makes you squirt a little out nor was there any incident of being stuck in traffic with a full bladder and a piercing pain streaking through my groin. Nope, this was strictly a non-traditional, card-carrying attempted breeder only style of pissing one's pants. I'll explain why, but first it would be helpful to know a little history. You see, I've trisected my months into cute little blocks or stages all related to where I am in the fertility cycle at that time. That's just how pathetic this whole business has become. I have the AF and egg bloating stage when I take my little pills to make them grow big and fluffy. Then I have the pissing on sticks stage, which usually lends to the sit on your ass, freak out and wait stage once the junk has gone in. It's all very lovely and you, too, can improve your life drastically I'm sure by embracing this tri-cyclical sanity-smashing crap as I do. So... I'm currently in the pissing on stick stage and so I'm doing my business today and I was peeing so nice and neatly and straight in one line and it was all going surprisingly well and THEN i went to remove the stick from under my thingie and when I removed it, a large drop of pee accidentally dripped off and landed in my pants!!! right on the crotch! and I'm not a big fan of underwear generally so there was none of that to break the fall. so i was immediately like... "OH NO - FUCK SHIT DAMN! PEE IN MY PANTS! PEE IN MY PANTS!!!" which was immediately followed by a symphony of demons that leaped straight out of my head and started dancing circles around the bathroom stall, pointing and laughing at me, mocking my disaster. So I'm walking around with a blot of pee in my pants and I'm none to happy about it.

On another front, the big box of junk arrived this week and it's just sitting there waiting for my pee sticks to tell me that it's time. I'm hoping we didn't order it too early and end up having to send it back. Those fuckers cost $275 JUST FOR THE SHIPPING!!!!!!! which is obviously non-refundable. I'm a bit concerned because I was struck with a bout of poisoning this week which ultimately had me laid up in the clinic with an IV saline drip and anti-naseau meds after vomiting and spewing (from other parts) for 9 hours straight. I have NEVER in my LIFE been that ill before and it lasted roughly 4 days so I'm wondering if my eggs shrunk or spontaneously bursted in all of the commotion. Surely that kind of racking of the body and fasting for 72 hours couldn't be helpful in terms of maintaining a stable and consistent ovulation cycle. So we shall see.