Waxing philisophic for a momment, I feel that my mind has never been more restless. Sleep (and plenty of it) has been my only escape from myself and my exhaustive efforts of trying to push back the negativity that naturally sneaks it's way in - through all of this. Drake and I have been playing at "Operation Get Erin Rae Knocked Up" fast approaching 2 years now. And in that time, we have made at minimum two trips to the clinic monthly, if not more. For nearly 2 years, my life has been dictated by these weekly cycles, focusing, scrutinizing the timing of all things - when to start my fert meds, when to start OPK's, when to start ultrasounds, when to do LH shot, when to pee, when to test? I am so so so fucking sick of counting out days on the god damn calendar. Every calendar I own both electronic and paper has secret symbols scribbled on certain days like "Day 1" or "O" or "Test". Additionally, I've found myself stumped and haulted to do anything productive during that two week wait in between ovulation and testing. I can't start working out until I know if I'm prego cuz you're not supposed to switch up your usual routine; I can't eat healthy or cut back on drinking because you just never know when it will be my last sip of wine or my last slice of nasty goodness before I'm forced to kick it into gear and actually eat a vegetable or god forbid, a peice of fruit! And then when it all fails in the end (and let's face it - it's only EVER failed), I'm too pissed off and depressed to kick start a healthy routine, and so instead I console myself with shitty things. It's my pattern and my crutch, and it's quite literally ruining me, mentally as well as physically. So... the big question mark in the sky is... what the hell now? I've fired my fertility clinic and firmly resolved that I am NEVER going back there as long as I shall live. My donor has suddenly stopped producing any sort of sperm count that is well... worth counting. and on a personal level, I am descending into a pessimistic mess of a beast which surely cannot be good for any sort of reproductive efforts.
Thinking about and researching the @home method. I'm pretty much resolved to kicking the negative influences and stigma's attached to this process out of our lives completely and that includes fertility clinics and sterile white rooms, and violent incompetent doctors weilding contraptions that really shouldn't be thought of or used as weapons. I want to get back to the basics; to temping and peeing on good ol' fashioned OPK's instead of taking pictures of my eggs every month. I have committed to Drake that I will do this just three more times if need be, although truthfully I'm not all that happy about it. Also researching a switch in donors. May even compromise on the race issue if we need to. I'm endeavoring to make some changes; hopefully very positive ones.
2 comments:
Deeply sorry this is so frustrating. I think a change to home insems is a good thing. I think a change in donor is, too. I hope the changes lead to your positive.
I am so sorry for all this. It took me 18 months to get pg with Oakley and that was doing things the ... uh... "naturual" way. My SIL wen through 3 years trying to get pg with my 3 month old nephew and she didn't get knocked up until about 6 months after she stopped everything, all the meds and counting and whatever. Weird. And incredibly frustrating, on some level.
Tina and I have always said that we would turkey-baste if we decide to have one. We know of a couple in our community who are on their second pregnancy via at home insem. Their first was twins.
I don't know if it's any better or worse as amethod, but I think there is something to be said for teh relaxing environment of your own home. Worth a shot, I suppose?
I will, as always, have many candles lit for you!!!
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