The Break Up

Attn: Hades Clinic (a.k.a. "Pacific NW Fertility Clinic" because the time for coy flirtation is long over),

This has been perhaps the toughest and most frustrating relationship I have ever endured. The last 18 months of my life that I have spent courting you for the bride price of a baby have been fraught with bone-numbing amounts of stress due to your completely inflexible schedules, your blase attitudes at being at minimum thirty minutes late to any and all appointments without so much as a "Bummer dude, I had to sleep off that hangover", and the consistently INCONSISTENT advice (begrudgingly provided only if requested for on hands and knees, and after kowtowing exactly 35 times) given by all of your many minions, ALL of whom I have had the surprising opportunity to meet in person since you have all herded, poked or spread me at one point or another over the past 2 years. I RARELY get the luxury of seeing the same person twice. I am merely an SSN # and a file; and even then, sometimes proven to be unread by your grossly uninformed opinions of my bits and pieces. For instance, was it really necessary to grill me yesterday about my polyp for yet another 10 minutes of my life that I will never get back, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that you hadn't actually read my file which states in no uncertain terms that my magical disappearing and reappearing polyp has been tested and probed out a thousand times over and is a closed case? Or perhaps my favorite episode was when you, Jane, carelessly suggested that my polyp was the reason for my miscarriage when my file clearly stated that it was an anembryonic pregnancy which has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with implantation WHAT SO EVER! Oh - Dr. Evil (a.k.a. Jane P. ARNP) that was perhaps my most fond moment of you through all of this. Thank you thank you THANK you for that consoling sentiment. XOXOXO. Oh - and what is that magical thing that you all do when "washing" my ICI sperm that reduces it to a mere 5 million per vial versus the 17+ million I would get when the cryobank would wash the sperm themselves? Because paying an extra $280for your wonderful "prep" work really warms my heart. You should consider putting out a tip jar so we can reward your efforts for going that extra mile.

Pacific Northwest Fertility Clinic, you are a disappointment! And that is an understatement. There have been only two people who have provided me with pleasant experiences, Dr. Wild Bill (Dr. Hickok) and his medical assistant, Renee. They have both been a drink of fresh water in a pool of rancid bitterness. As for the rest of you, perhaps I might recommend some extra credit classes in bedside manner, or in How to Insert a Speculum Without Causing a Blood Bath 101? Or if graduate level courses seem too much to ask, how about focusing on some remedial courses like smiling, wishing a patient good luck, or knowing how many times your patient has stared pleadingly and desperately at your sterile white ceilings while you shine a very bright light between their legs? Those skills may sound unimportant, but they mean the world to someone who is tired of going through this, scared senseless that nothing may ever come of all of their efforts, and exhausted from the energy and emotions spent, well... hoping.

Anyway... I have given you my last attempt. My last cramped, frozen awkward pose in the lovely Raggedy Anne hair clad stirrups; my last painful and bloody $400 catheter insertion, and my last insincere smile, gritted teeth or attempt at politeness. And if I have to listen to another fucking Barry Manilow song playing on your 3rd class speakers while I wait hours upon hours in the lobby for your service, I may just never recover from it. Taking a look at the ledger that chronicles our relationship, you have on your plus side: the 15 pounds of stress induced fat that I have given you, six unreturned phone calls regarding our account (but only when we had a credit due to unexpected insurance payments, when we owed you money, you were Johnny on the spot), a fragmented mind, and a tired... so VERY tired and bitter angry and heartbroken soul. On my plus side, I have merely lessons learned in humanity; or a lack thereof.

If I chose to carry on with this insanity at all, I shall take my business elsewhere. Please take my $15,000.00+ in monetary compensation and spend it wisely. Thanks for nothing. Nothing at all.