it better be

it really, honest to god, just better be!

so i started out this cycle with a pretty apathetic attitude toward my
pending success or failure to come. i wasn't just pretending either, i
honestly didn't really give a crap, as i had no real positive expectations.
this made the first week of my 2ww quite bearable. pleasant, even.
right up until the extreme lethargy set in. and borderline psychotic behavior. and a wee touch of nausea (even though i know that it's technically WAY to early for that). bouts of intense lower back pain (but that often happens when my boobs accidentally swing the wrong way). oh, and the complete inability to stop eating. but that only started today.

so i once again find myself back in that all too familiar (and much dreaded)
boat of hope. ah - yes, navigating the high and wild seas without a life
jacket... in the quintessential Erin Rae way. What it boils down to is that I'm setting myself up to be utterly crushed. again. I am both excited about what could be potential symptoms of early pregnancy and scared senseless about what the hell could possibly be wrong with me if i am not, in fact, prego. Disease? Depression? ... or knocked up? I know for certain that it's not a question of baby versus anal fissures this time. and boy is THAT a relief!

i don't' have any other symptoms... and none that mimic the symptoms
i experienced this early on with my last pregnancy. no hyper-sensitivity
to smell, achy boobs, porn star nipples or belly bursting out of my fat pants. that could be explained by the fact that I have much bigger fat pants this go-around but well... let's not even delve into that heaping pile of bullshit. i haven't had any irrational homicidal feelings toward my perfect angel of a wife and i haven't felt any strong urges to hide in a cupboard cabinet to escape my needy dogs either. although i did get very upset and on the verge of mad tears last night when they kept staring at me. the little shits. who wants to be constantly stared at like that anyway??? i KNOW i ain't gettin' any prettier, so what gives?

so there it is. putting it out here publicly with arrant disregard for jinxing myself AND for having to come back here and publicly explain my craziness when this all goes south.

god help me.