Drake... my vampire wife

Dearest Ladies and Gay Men -

Please take heed of the warning notice*** I would advise you to skip this post if you are at all turned off or morally insulted by reading vivid descriptors of my wife’s magical and somewhat destructive anatomical bits.

Miraculously, we have achieved two monthly inseminations in a row. This is a first! and even if we don't wind up with a baby out of it, I still consider it a wild and glorious accomplishment in the grand scheme of things. In fact, that's not the only celebratory accomplishment this month. You see, Drake had some family photos taken of her ovaries this week and if the baby jesus wazn't mistaken, those mother fuckers actually FOUND her left ovary! They found both ovaries, even!!! So, today I am drinking to progress. Fuck everything else. Anyway, I digress. We had some photos taken, and then she got a surge line on her piss stick and all was going quite swimmingly so we went in this AM for THE BIG INSEM and by golly if the saying is true that "the best things are the hardest to come by" well then not only will we get a child out of this, but our child will be nothing short of a prodigal genius with stunning good looks and super hero defenses. It will speak 14 languages and will have achieved a Nobel prize by the time it hits puberty. Gosh. Okay... so I may or may not have mentioned in prior posts about my wife's "double curved" cervix. What does that mean, you ask? Well, I don't honestly really know except that it makes it damn near impossible to get that catheter in there to inject the junk and what should be a 2 minute procedure winds up being a 30 minute workout complete with blood sweat and tears by both the patient, the doctor and the maybe overly sympathetic supporting wife. The positive of this? That shit NEVER FALLS OUT! EVER!!!!!!!!!!! As testimony to the challenges her curvy cervix creates, the
3rd catheter finally did the trick and when the good doc extracted it, her vajayjay had actually managed to curve that wire about 180 degrees... no shit! It was amazing. I immediately and loudly boasted, "HOLY SHIT STICKS, MY WIFE HAS A VAMPIRE TWAT!!! AMAZING!!" Good thing all the docs and US Techs know me and love me so much otherwise they might find me a tad offensive or at the very least peculiar. Hey... if you can't laugh in these situations, you'll cry you're eyes out so why not, right?

So... with Monty's essence safely and securely trapped inside of her twisty vampire twat, we now settle in for the wait. Tic... Toc... Tic... Toc...

it just keeps getting stranger

Well... Drake received an unwelcomed visit from Aunt Flo earlier this week. Actually a full FOUR days earlier than anticipated which means one of two things. a) she's got a really damn short and inconsistent luteal phase or b) we somehow totally screwed up the timing on this. And Mr. Monty McSteamy had a whopping record breaking 22 MILLION sperm count this time so that's a whole lot of swimmers wasted on poor timing. Ugh. Not sure what to think. I definitely am going to encourage getting back to the basics; the Fertility Lessons 101. We need to start temping on a regular basis and determine some sort of pattern to when exactly she ovulates and what other signs are consistent with her ovulation because clearly the OPK's are not painting a very accurate picture. Anyway... another month, hopefully another try.

the all american sport

Today we go in for an insem appt. I am excited. I'm not sure which of the many Hades Clinic minions will be administering to us today but if it's Dr. Evil, I swear to god I will run screaming to the door, dragging my half naked wife with me.

On a separate note, however, I wanted to comment on a very interesting (some would say tragic but I say opportunistic) event that took place in the Baseball world last Thursday. You see this 3rd baseman for the Seattle Mariners, Adrian Beltre, actually RIPPED his testicles open. No shit. This is not an Erin Rae exaggeration or outright lie of any sort, I swear. The mother fucking commando TORE HIS NUT SACK wide open and then kept on playing for another 5 innings. Now... my first thoughts upon hearing this news was... "huh? but isn't that where all the sperm is stored?" If I would have known that these kind of opportunities could arise from a stinkin' baseball game, well then hot damn, I would have bought me some season passes! I guess this sheds new light on Dr. Evil's suggestion that we at one point got our hands or nether regions in the way of some "stray sperm".
Anyway... I wasn't at the game. I am not a fan of baseball. But my lack of interest in baseball probably saved me from a rather embarrassing and news worthy arrest because I can totally imagine myself scrambling through the crowd, stage-dive style through the bleachers all the way down from the nose-bleed seats and tumbling onto the field shouting in a frenzied panic... "TURKEY BASTER!! SOMEBODY PASS ME A TURKEY BASTER!!!!!!"

a new kind of victory

Today Drake got a mostly blue line on the OPK which translates directly to a mostly green light on the insemination train. I'll take it. Even if we don't get knocked up this try, at least we GOT TO TRY! a totally new kind of victory. one I didn't exactly expect but I'll take it. any positive forward moving news is ecstatic news to me!!!

CRACKING DOWN ON OVARIAN THEFT!

Drake’s left ovary is missing. This is the 2nd time now that we’ve gone in for an ultrasound to measure the size of her eggs and we couldn’t find the left ovary. I’m convinced that it is hiding out somewhere with Saddam Hussain but I’ve also taken action to create some milk carton ads with a picture of Angelina Jolie’s (figured there was an accurate resemblance there and she was all to willing to Fed Ex me one) left ovary on it just in case it turns up somewhere around the neighborhood or on one of those America’s Most Wanted crime shows. OVARIAN THEFT. CRACKING DOWN ACROSS AMERICA! Should be one of Obama’s new initiatives.

Anyway… we went in BRIGHT AND EARLY (our favorite hour of any Saturday) for an ultrasound and the tech banged her wand around in there for a long while every which way, past the ass gas, past the uterus past some undigested pizza and and and… she just couldn’t find it. She finally got a little frustrated and I would imagine embarrassed and told drake to please move around the room (walk, run, etc.) for a little bit to see if it would lodge the damn thing back into place for proper viewing. The minute the US Tech left the room, drake launched into a wild series of calisthenics complete with jumping jacks, high kicks, lunges, and holy shit was I SWEATIN! And it was only 7:30 in the morning and all I was doing was sitting there watching her. So the lady comes back in and bangs her wand around for a 2nd try and unfortunately to no avail. $250 bucks – ka ching... for nothin’! The difference between her and Dr. Evil, however, is that when Dr. Evil couldn’t find her allusive left ovary – she simply told Drake that she had already ovulated and that her ovary was collapsed. We, of course, taking her professional word for it, stopped monitoring for the rest of that month only to find out much too late that she had, in fact, ovulated and that Dr. Evil is a bitch. But that’s nothing new. I was at least grateful for this gal admitting that she just can’t find the damn thing. This way we will continue on the traditional route of OPK’s and such and can hopefully, potentially still inseminate this month. We shall see.

been so long i practically forgot my password

Dear Internet Peoples -

I am sorry. It's been a long time, I know. I have some reasons/excuses but none of them are really good so I'm not going to bother with them here.

The scoop? YOU HAVEN'T MISSED A DAMN THING! The last time we actually had any encounter with Monty McSteamy's umm... impregnating fluid? was back in early April. Yes, it is now August. We've been on "Operation Plan B - pass the Baton" since Jan of this year and we've inseminated oooooh... let me get out my fingers to count... oh wait, yes... that's it... JUST ONCE! bummer, huh? To recap - there was the Femura. Then the bleeding. The cramping. The shocking multitude of menstrual cycles packed into a few short months. and lastly the Ovarian Cysts that all collectively were a side affect of the Femura. We've kicked the Femura to the curb now, needless to say but surprisingly AGAINST their recommendation. Really? You think?

A month ago Drake came home from work and informed me that she had just peed on a stick and it was time but the clinic had already closed for the evening and so we needed to leave a voicemail for them that we wanted to come in for a squirt the next morning and to please call when they opened. and like good little fertility medical facilitators, they did call. they called at my most lively hour of 7:00AM on a Saturday morning and proceeded to argue with drake on the phone about why they wouldn't let us come in and get inseminated that day. First - Drake had had a minor and unrelated surgery about a week prior to this event. She claimed that she was perfectly fine and capable of lying on a metal plank with her feet in stirrups but they feared that there may still be traces of anaesthesia in her system. A week later? For reals??? Secondly - and this is our fault - we sort of blew off the appointment we were supposed to make to ensure that the cysts had gone away. It was a busy time. We had family in town, yada yada yada... big mistake there. And that brings us up to the present date. Drake's playing at fertile myrtl again and we're going in tomorrow at 8am to get an ultrasound and measure the eggs. We're already at day 16 or so so I'm really really really really just sorta kinda hoping that something is mature, that there is not another anovulatory cycle to contend with, and that we can get our little LH shot and inseminate on Sunday as if the world were suddenly back in balance and things went right for us. Wouldn't that be something! Gosh - I find myself humming Mary Poppins tunes just thinking about it! So... perhaps I'll have something to rant about here again in the coming days. If there are more issues, I may actually just jump off the internet cliff and shut up for a while again because nobody wants to read the word FUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKK over and over and over again but well... you see... I may have temporarily lost my positive attitude but I remain hopeful. just a smidge.

delinquent

so sorry i've been delinquent. it's a combination of my irritation at this whole ordeal and the fact that there is truly nothing to speak of along this vein. the drugs that drake had every side effect under the sun to also managed to give her ovarian cysts, so we've been put on hold once again while her internal bits repair themselves. it's been nearly 4 months since we switched to Plan B, Second String Womb and we've gotten to actually inseminate ONCE. i'm peeved as hell and about damn ready to have this go our way for a change. as soon as we get back on track, i'll start more frequent updates again. should be in the next month or so.